When the Spirit Carries You Higher: My Story of Breaking, Believing, and Becoming

A Testimony of survival, love, faith, mental health, and the sacred return to self.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28

Here I sit just out of the emergency room. Tired. Drained.

Worn out. Maybe just a little bit damaged.

But also… strangely lighter.

A weight lifted the moment they took him back for observation.

I just needed him to come back to me whole, happy, and content.

I knew I made the right decision. I just had to stay strong and remember what always helps: "gather your thoughts, write,

reflect, remember who you are… and where you’ve already been." So here I am. After a long pause, I begin again. Four hours in the ER, in fear and in prayer, and then… they told me to go home. To rest.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

I’m Used to Fighting Battles Alone

I hid my pain for years especially during my 20-year marriage and it's painful downfall.

 I didn’t want my family to worry or try to fix it. Because I wouldn’t have listened anyway.

 But when I finally left, I was seen as the villain. No one knew the real story. To them, I looked like I was having a midlife crisis. But the truth?

But I wasn’t. I was finally saving myself.

 I vowed: never again would I wear a mask to pacify anyone else’s peace. If someone couldn’t trust me to walk my path, they didn’t belong in it. This time, I would share the truth with those who’ve earned it. With those who have the wisdom to offer love, not control. And above all, I clung to my relationship with God. I prayed for strength… and I felt the Spirit move again. 

Then Came Gus…

He was an old friend someone from my past who always had this strong, unexplainable pull on me. We weren’t ready back then. But this time, something clicked.

We reconnected

and the timing felt divinely orchestrated.

We laughed. We healed. We got each other. Life is hard. People can be cruel. But having a best friend by your side changes everything. It felt so good to be heard. To be understood. To communicate and be met in that space of vulnerability.

I was finally laughing again—with an adult, a friend, a man I trusted.

Not because I was hiding pain but...

for the first time in years… I felt free. It felt like drowning for years,

and then God sent this mythical bird to scoop me from the waters.

I could still feel the spray and the chaos… but I could breathe again.

But Then Came Episode 1 The first bipolar manic episode hit like a tidal wave.

Suddenly, Gus wasn’t Gus.

Fear. Abandonment. Disbelief. I didn’t know what was happening. One day, he was there my safe space, my person. The next? Gone. It felt like I was dropped on a deserted island. Not fully abandoned but close. I felt disoriented. Confused. And so, so alone.

I had trusted him. And then he was gone.

That’s the danger of opening yourself up after years of survival-mode isolation. When love leaves, it echoes loudly. I poured that love into my kids. Into my faith. But a part of me still craved companionship… and couldn’t understand how he could wake me up and then leave me gasping for air again.  The Fire, the Fears, the Flashbacks I remembered what it was like to love. To trust. And I hated that it made me feel like a fool again.

 The Grief of Disconnection It felt like waking up after a long emotional sleep, only to have the person who woke you vanish.

But this time, I wasn't going to shut down completely. Because I knew the fight wasn't just for Gus it was for me.  I had found Michele again. Through writing. Through laughter. Through tears. Through art, beauty, creativity, and God. And through trust. Deep, mutual, unwavering trust. We opened every door with each other. And we respected one another. Respect not control was the foundation.

 From Wounds to Purpose People had opinions. They always do when they don’t understand the journey. Some gave up on me. Others tried to clip my wings. But I knew I was rediscovering a piece of myself that had been buried too long.

Even in the chaos, there was a spark I wasn’t ready to let die.

 The Cycles, the Triggers, the Lessons There was a second episode. And with it came more understanding. I’ve always been drawn to psychology ever since I was 13.  In my darkest years, I turned to writing, to psychology, to God. I was diagnosed with depression at 13.

That’s when my battle with depression and anxiety began.

I started therapy then, and I never stopped seeking answers. Mental illness isn’t simple. It isn’t linear. It isn’t always visible.  

And it is not a choice. I had to learn to separate the soul from the symptoms. To love someone deeply while understanding that parts of the struggle weren’t personal.

From Pain to Purpose

I turned my suffering into service. I prayed for purpose and God sent me people. I worked in Child Protective Services, counseling families torn apart by pain, addiction, trauma. I saw healing, trust, and hope being restored. I saw miracles. My eccentricity?

My emotional intensity?

They weren’t flaws. They were my tools. My gifts. My fire. People could laugh at me, judge me, misunderstand me. But God understood me. Still Standing I’ve walked through fires that would’ve burned most to ash. And yet I’m still here.

Some throw shade with matchsticks. But I’ve survived typhoons. You don’t break someone like me with rumors or gossip. You don’t scare someone who’s already faced the dark and found light. You may not understand my path. You don’t have to. This is my journey. And every single step, even the painful ones, has brought me closer to myself and to God.

 Card Pulled: Strength

This card wraps everything in this story with sacred clarity. Strength doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from endurance. From loving through pain. From showing up especially when you’re scared. It’s not about taming the lion. It’s about becoming one with it. Let this be your reminder: Your softness is not your weakness it’s your superpower. You are already stronger than anything that tries to break you.