When Love Means Holding the Line

Keep on Swimming ~ Loving Through the Highs and Lows originally written 🗓 December 12, 2016

This is me.

Sweet. Understanding. Joyful.

And also?

A bitch. 😏💥

I know, I know most people wouldn’t believe that. I’m known for being warm, patient, kind. But behind the joy, there’s another me:

A powerhouse. A protector. A firecracker who shows up when it’s time to hold down the ship for my family. When it’s time to get it done.

And when that version of me shows up?

People move out of the way.

Because I don’t play when it comes to my people. 💪💣

🎄Tis the Season… for SAD.

This time of year is beautiful Christmas lights, cinnamon candles, warm hugs, and matching PJs. But for many of us, this season carries shadows, too.

S.A.D. is Seasonal Affective Disorder it creeps in with the colder weather. It brings exhaustion, withdrawal, even hopelessness. And for those struggling with mood disorders like bipolar disorder, the pressure and intensity of the holidays can magnify everything. Joy turns into anxiety. Silence turns into sorrow.

or dial 988

I've walked that line for years. And every fall, I start bracing myself for the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

🎁 The Holiday Hustle (And the Exhaustion No One Sees)

From Thanksgiving to New Year’s, society goes into overdrive.

People fight over sales, obsess over decorations, compare Christmas cards, bake like their lives depend on it, and try to recreate a Pinterest perfect holiday just to feel like they’ve “done it right.”

But what about those of us holding it together with grit, glue, and grace?

What about those managing mental health while keeping the house warm and spirits up?

🤫 Private Pain, Public Strength

I don’t ask for much. I rarely ask for help at all. When I do, it’s usually my dad or my grandma.

Truth is, I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes help comes with conditions and disappointment. But I’ll never forget the times my family stepped up, especially during my divorce, making sure my kids had a roof and a Christmas. 💝

Still, I learned young how to survive alone. How to be my own anchor.

At eight years old, I saved enough coins to take a bus across town to see a psychic. Alone. On the east side. 😅

I rearranged furniture for fun. Lifted weights to stay strong. I figured things out on my own not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

Strength gave me power.

And power gave me freedom.

👑 What My Kids Deserve

The thing is…

I’ve come to realize that every child deserves more than just a parent who keeps the lights on. They deserve someone emotionally available. Someone who takes time to know them not just feed and clothe them, but see them. Celebrate them. Respect them. Guide them.

💫 A true father figure the Emperor archetype doesn’t just show up when it’s convenient. He’s present. Stable. A protector. A nurturer. A model of healthy masculinity.

It’s something I’ve tried to give my kids through the partnerships I chose at least for a time.

💖 For Miley

A strong father figure spends intentional time with his daughter laughing with her, learning her moods, cooking her favorite meals just to make her smile. He makes her feel seen. He teaches her she’s worthy just as she is.

Someone who gets her facial expressions, listens without trying to fix her, and isn’t afraid to be gentle. Someone who isn’t ashamed to cry when he’s hurting because that’s what emotional safety looks like.

🎮 For Jay

A strong male figure bonds with his son through shared joy. Whether that’s gaming in the man cave, yelling at zombies, or belly-laughing at inside jokes.

But he also teaches responsibility cleaning up, showing up, and following through. He leads by example and admits when he’s wrong. And most of all, he’s there steady, strong, and fiercely loyal.

🍳 For Marisa

My first baby. My mirror. My other half.

Even as an adult, she still needs me and I love that.

She deserves comfort and consistency. Someone who makes her a plate before she asks. Who respects her boundaries, learns her rhythms, and gently teaches her that trust is safe. She deserves to be loved in the way she understands love at her pace, in her love language.

🧠 Mental Health Is Real

There was a season in our home, when we lived with and through bipolar disorder.

That means we’ve seen both ends of the emotional spectrum.

The lows are heavy. They steal joy, silence laughter, and make even getting out of bed feel impossible.

But the highs? The highs are something else entirely.

They bring wild ideas, endless energy, sleepless nights. They can be beautiful… but also dangerous when left unmanaged.

We’ve had our moments. Days when mania took over and a well-meaning act like picking up neighborhood litter turned into something overwhelming. Times when emotions ran high, and my response wasn’t graceful. I’ve said hurtful things when I didn’t know how else to help.

But the truth is, those moments don’t define our story.

What defines us is how we love each other through them.

🏥 The Hard Part No One Talks About

Sometimes, the person we love doesn’t want help. They resist medication, hospitals, and the very things that might restore their peace. It’s hard. Heartbreaking. Exhausting.

But as mothers, as partners, as warriors we hold the line.

We keep the house together. We keep the kids grounded. We cry in the shower, then show up with dinner and jokes and hugs that don’t let go. We protect our peace, even when it hurts.

And when our kids miss the person they know and love, we remind them:

He’ll come back. He just needs time.

🧡 Love Is Messy, But It’s Divine

My son once said, “Don’t take him to the hospital. I like the fun version.”

But fun without boundaries isn’t peace it’s chaos in a costume.

And our kids? They need more than fun.

They need someone who says, “It’s 10:30. Get to bed. You need sleep to grow.”

They need someone who shows up in the everyday. As parents we are not our children's friends, they have enough of those. They need our boundaries and guidance, to feel safe and trusted.

That’s what love looks like.

🌊 So… We Keep Swimming

Even when we’re exhausted.

Even when the laughter fades.

Even when mental illness knocks the wind out of our sails.

We keep swimming. 🐠

Because that’s what love does.

Final Thoughts:

“The more patience we have, the more we understand. The more we understand, the deeper we love. And the deeper we love, the more we heal.” 💫

This is family.

This is faith.

This is Messy and Divine.