This Is Me: A Love Letter to My Chaos

When I Say I'm Messy and Divine... I Mean Every Word I was born to two young parents, which made my childhood unique in so many ways. My kids are the same age as my siblings yes, you read that right and I grew up as an only child, yet never really alone.

I was lucky enough to have incredible grandparents on both sides. They taught me the meaning of loyalty, forgiveness, and the kind of love that puts your children before yourself. That foundation became a cornerstone in how I show up in this world.

I’ve never been afraid to be myself. What I feel you’ll know it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have 100% faith in who I am. If that makes me "crazy" to some people? They can take a hike. I may not always get it right, but I own my mistakes and I use them to teach others what didn’t work for me.

Growing up, I was a huge dreamer and I still am. I believed in Santa Claus until I was 13, and I’ll always protect the magic of dreaming for my kids. The world will try to steal it, but not on my watch. I never shut down my inner child. I laugh at fart apps. I yell with my kids in abandoned buildings just to hear our echoes bounce back. I marvel at the same things over and over again like it’s the first time. Joy is in the details, and I hold tight to that. I’m always happy truly. Ask anyone who knows me. I don’t need much to smile. I laugh at corny jokes because I don’t wait for the punchline I live for the effort, the moment, the joy of someone just trying to make me laugh.

I married my first real love when we were just 18 years old. Yep, only six months of knowing him. (Did I mention I’m impulsive?)

When I commit, I go all in. If I can't give something 100%, I won’t do it halfway. That’s why I walked away from my job as a CPS caseworker after two years because once I knew I couldn’t give my job and my kids the best of me, I chose them. Always. My children come first. My family comes second. My friends? A very close third (but don't think I don’t miss them all the time).

I’m proud to say I’ve run a marathon. The whole thing 26.2 miles without stopping. It took me five hours, but I trained hard and crossed that finish line. That medal isn’t just about running. It’s about proving to myself that I finish what I start.

My grandma has always been my second mom. After my parents divorced, she helped my dad raise me, and she never stopped. She is the most selfless woman I know if sainthood was up to me, she’d already have a halo.

Pregnancy wasn’t easy for me. Marisa tried to come early, and I spent four months on bed rest. After several miscarriages, my pregnancy with Jay was even harder bed rest from the start. Mymy’s pregnancy was a little better, but still challenging. All three babies were born at 37 weeks, the moment the meds stopped. It takes grit to lie still for that long. And I did it, for them.

I love the thrill of being scared. I believe in ghosts, the afterlife, haunted places, and all things spiritual. I study tarot and trust my intuition deeply. Some people have gifts, and I truly believe I’m one of them. I'm rarely wrong just ask anyone who’s tried me.

I loved high school. I was that girl dressing up like Madonna, shocking people, getting called “Madonna” in the halls. I had a blast and owned every second of it.

When it comes to work, I’m obsessive. Organized. Anal (yep, I said it). I go above and beyond, and I’m the one who helps others finish their tasks when they fall behind. I love being part of a team.

Now… housekeeping? That's a different story. I’m terrible at it. I didn’t used to be, but with more kids and less time, I’d rather be living life than folding socks.

I’m deeply creative. I love to write, to dream up things no one else has thought of. I’d rather style an outfit from scraps than buy something off the rack. My mind is my playground.

Music has always had my heart. I made a professional demo when I was younger and still sing when I can—though my vocal cords aren’t quite what they used to be. And yes, I love Eminem. He clawed his way out of the dark and stayed true to himself no matter what the world said. That? I respect. That’s divine.