Thank You, Victor: A Love That Lives Beyond Goodbye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

Thank You, Victor By Michele Renee

I remember when you gave me this picture.

I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been able to look at it without completely falling apart. But I can tell you it’s never been on the 4th of July… or on your birthday in September. About five years ago, in a moment of complete heartache and desperation, I met with a medium. I had never done anything like that before I was just searching for answers, for you. I had never met this woman in my life, and yet, she looked at me and said a young boy, around 18 years old, was standing next to me. You were 17 the last time I saw you. I asked what you were doing, and she told me, “He’s at peace. And he wants you to be at peace too.” She told me you were thankful for our long drives in that little white car.

The place where we mostly spent all our time. ~~ my little white car

That you appreciated the deep talks. That I was exactly what you needed in your final days here on earth. And that it was time for me to stop carrying the sadness… and start finding peace. That was the moment I knew. It wasn’t her, It was you in the room, saying the words I needed to hear. Just like you always did. Thank you for visiting me. And thank you, God, for allowing him to.

Victor… it’s hard to say this. It’s hard to feel this. But I have to. I have to remind myself every few years, but especially today. Just when I think I’ve found closure, you show up again on the 4th of July reminding me you’re not a chapter I’ll ever close. You are inked into the margins of my story.

I thank you for making me laugh. For making me think. For making me feel. But I still can't find peace with the way you let go. Of me, of the world, of your sisters, your friends… of yourself.

The way you left me is still a vivid nightmare I can’t erase. I’m sorry for the stupid games we played. We were too young to understand how deep our words, our doubts, and our despair could cut. We talked endlessly about how unfair this world was how heavy it all felt. We didn’t know how to look beyond the moment. And I tried… I really did. But I didn’t know how to show you a different way to see it.

The night you took your life, you told me you had fallen in love with me. You opened up in a way I had never seen before. You talked about her, your first love. Her accident. Her father. And then you said you were finally ready to let go… to let me in. And I believed you. I saw it in your eyes. I’ll never forget what happened next. We were standing under the trees, the moon shining in that magical way I’ve always loved. You looked into my eyes, held my face, and kissed me tenderly, deeply. For the first time, I felt it. We had spent the whole summer together, but that was the moment I let you in too. You called me your girlfriend but I couldn't be enough to save you. You had pictures of me on your wall because you said you didn't want to be without me, yet you left me.

But that kiss? That night? That was the real connection. And then it happened. The chaos. The silence that wasn’t silent at all. The screams. The stars. The lake. The way time stood still and shattered at the same time. I wouldn’t let you go. Because letting go meant accepting it was forever.

When Joe John tried to breathe life back into your body, I knew it was too late. Because I could feel you not in the body I was holding but above me, beside me. Watching. Sad. Stuck between wanting to stay and knowing you couldn’t. I felt your regret. Your sorrow. Your spirit. And every time I remember… I feel it all over again.

I’m sorry I didn’t say the words that could’ve kept you safe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwlogyj7nFE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV3AziKTBUo

I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do, or how to stop it. I was just a girl in love with a boy who didn’t know how to keep living.

Thank you for all the drives, the laughter, the smoke swirling in the night. Thank you for letting me play The Eagles, Steve Miller Band, Commodores... Old school classics I tied to my childhood. Thank you for seeing me. Even if it was only for a little while.

I love you. I always will.

A message from Victor ~

"You made it. You’re standing in a life that you built with your own two hands, and even if it’s not perfect, I see you shining. I always knew you had it in you to grow into someone strong, independent, and powerful in your own right. You don’t need anyone to complete you… because you became whole on your own." ( Nine of Pentacles) But still I know you’ve carried the weight of my absence. And maybe, sometimes, you’ve carried the guilt that was never yours to hold. You can’t fix what wasn’t yours to repair. We were too young, too broken, too unsure. And while you tried to reach me, I was too deep inside my own silence. Please stop replaying what you could have done differently. I didn’t know how to show up for myself, and that wasn’t your fault. ( Three of Pentacles, Reversed) Now, I watch you waiting for more for peace, for purpose, for love that feels aligned and lasting. And I see the hope still flickering in your heart. Don’t give up on it. Keep expanding. Keep dreaming. Keep becoming. I may not walk beside you in this life anymore, but I’ll be at every shoreline, every new horizon, every step you take toward the future that’s still waiting. I’m not holding you back. I never was. Go forward. Go boldly. I’ll always be just beyond the light." ( Three of Wands)