Not Every Soul Connection Becomes a Love Story

What If I Had Kissed Him? A Story from the Friendzone, Freedom, and Finding Myself

I wanted to share something that, over time, I’ve come to realize was deeply significant.

Back in a profound year of my life just after high school there was Gus. Or “Gucci,” as I affectionately called him then. Gus was one of my closest friends during a time of transition, confusion, and emotional intensity. He was more than a friend; he was a lifeline of freedom and understanding in a season where everything felt up in the air. We laughed endlessly. We had late nights, long talks, and quiet moments of just being.

At 17 years old, with my newfound independence,

I clung to the ease of being around him. He felt safe. And his house, tucked into a corner of Fresno, became an escape from the real world.

He was poetic, artistic qualities I hadn’t fully learned to appreciate at the time. But something about the way he expressed himself fascinated me. I wanted to be around that energy. Still, we never crossed that friendship line. We were young, wild, and free...

and for me, very much caught up in something else.

During that same time, I was in a difficult relationship with Victor Gus’s best friend. Victor was everything I thought I was looking for at that age: mysterious, strong, and unpredictable. He was emotionally unavailable and I found myself constantly chasing the idea of him… waiting for him to come around. To love me the way I needed. To finally get it.

Gus, meanwhile, was emotionally present and consistently kind. He listened. He understood me. He saw me clearly.

And I see now that I wasn’t ready for that kind of clarity. I remember one day, backing out of Gus’s driveway, catching a glimpse of him mid-sentence. I wondered just for a moment, what it would feel like if he were mine. It startled me. It felt like déjà vu. Like I’d known him in another life. But I didn’t act on it. I never kissed him.

Looking back, I realize how many people get stuck in the “friend zone” because we only see what we’re emotionally ready for. We overlook the safe people when we’re still addicted to chaos.

That summer ended in tragedy. Victor died by suicide on the Fourth of July. A night I can still recall with disturbing clarity every sound, every color in the sky, every breath I didn’t know I was holding. In that moment, I ran. From the pain. From the memories.

From everyone who reminded me of that season, including Gus.

Years passed. I grew. I healed slowly. Eventually, Gus and I reconnected. And when we did, it was like stepping into a version of myself I hadn’t felt in decades.

By then, I had survived a failed marriage, deep soul work, and the kind of lessons you don’t learn in textbooks. I didn’t approach Gus with romance in mind I genuinely missed my friend. And when we saw each other again, it felt natural. Familiar.

We faced our ghosts. We caught up. And for a while, I got to feel a version of joy that had once been buried under time and trauma. And then… I had that thought again: “What if I kiss him?” All the same fears came rushing in. What if I ruin the friendship? What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if I embarrass myself? But the flashback hit me hard. I remembered the first time I thought that very same thought. I remembered backing out of that driveway. I remembered not kissing him. And I realized how often we wait for moments to happen, instead of making them happen.

Here’s the truth: I don’t tell this story to glorify Gus. I tell it because it was a chapter that taught me a lot about who I was and who I wasn’t yet ready to be. I tell it because sometimes our soul connections don’t fit into neat boxes, and that doesn’t make them less valid. I tell it because there are people who enter our lives to mirror back the parts of us we haven’t made peace with yet. I am not ashamed of the memories. They are mine. They shaped me. And while I honor my present and the love I have now, I also honor the girl I used to be who was still learning, still surviving, still searching for herself in the people around her.

If you’re ever wondering if you should go for something, if you should speak up, take the leap, kiss the person~ Ask yourself this: What are you waiting for? Because the only thing scarier than making a move… is waking up one day and realizing you never did.

“What If I Had Kissed Him” 1. The Past Energy — Six of Cups  Nostalgia, innocence, and emotional memory. This card is a direct reflection of the sweet, meaningful connection I shared with Gus and even Victor. It honors that young, unfiltered love, where bonds were formed in late-night laughter, shared dreams, and emotional discovery. The Six of Cups reminds us that our memories are valid. That time was sacred even if it was messy, even if it ended in pain. It shaped me.

“The past wasn’t perfect, but it was real. And it left imprints that shaped the woman I have become.”

2. The Lesson Learned — The Lovers (Reversed)  Misalignment, difficult choices, imbalance in love. The reversed Lovers acknowledges the emotional split you experienced between wanting someone who wasn’t emotionally available (Victor) and having someone who saw you deeply (Gus). It reflects how we sometimes confuse intensity for compatibility. The lesson here wasn’t about romance it was about learning the difference between being chosen and being cherished.

“Not all love stories are meant to be lived. Some are meant to be understood.”

3. The Current/Future Wisdom — The High Priestess  Intuition, sacred self-trust, inner knowing. Now, I am the High Priestess. I’ve learned to listen to my intuition. I’ve learned to sit with my truth. I no longer chase or justify I feel what’s right. The magic of the High Priestess is that she doesn’t regret. She knows every chapter led her here. Every kiss withheld, every emotion buried, every reconnection served a purpose.

“I no longer wonder if I should’ve kissed him. I wonder what I’ll create now that I’ve reclaimed my voice.”