Letting Go After 19 Years: My Truth, My Healing

Divorce: The Big D Word

As many of you know, I’m currently going through a divorce one of the hardest, most gut-wrenching experiences of my life. I met my soon-to-be ex-husband during a deeply vulnerable time. In just six months, I had turned eighteen, ended a four-year relationship with my high school sweetheart, watched my father get remarried, moved out on my own, dated a man who tragically took his own life in front of me, was raped by a stranger... and then I got married. Every year that passed, I told myself I had to make it work. No matter how hard it was. Because that’s who I am. I don’t give up easily on goals or people. But there comes a point in life when you finally realize that no matter how much you give, some people just can't give you what you truly need in return.

Is it selfish to walk away after nearly twenty years of trying? Some people think so. Divorce is common now, but ironically, the people who are unhappily married themselves are often the loudest critics. They say, “Stay for the kids. Don’t ruin the family.” But who are they to judge? All I can do is look at our mistakes our shared struggles and own my part in it. That’s how I ensure I don’t bring those patterns into any future relationship I may build.

This blog isn’t about blame. I believe everyone has the right to their own version of the story, if they ever choose to tell it.

This is my version. My healing. My truth.

I’m writing not as an escape, but as a tool for self-reflection. If I wanted an easy out, I would have taken it years ago. But I didn’t. I stayed. I tried. Nineteen years. And still, there came a point when I had to face the truth: If one person doesn’t see the reality the other is trying to live in how can it ever work? It’s like expecting oranges from an apple tree.

Issue #1: Attack & Defense When we’re young, we learn the fight-or-flight response: stay and fight, or run and deny. For many years, I lived in a constant state of defense always bracing for the next attack. We had a pattern: attack, deny, make up, repeat. The loyalty was there. But so was the damage. I stayed because I valued loyalty. Because I believed leaving over a “circumstance” meant failure. But what happens when every day becomes a battlefield? Eventually, even family holidays became minefields. The attacks emotional, physical, mental weren’t always loud, but they were always there. And guilt kept me in it. Guilt made me tell myself, “This is for the family.”

But I now understand...

I fought back because I felt worthless. I showed my children a version of me I wasn’t proud of. And in the attacks, I found a false strength temporary power to mask the pain. We were both victims. We both played the game. And the only way I could stop attacking… was by letting go of fear and guilt. I decided my children deserve to witness genuine love the kind built on joy, not fear. They needed to see me whole, not shattered.

My oldest daughter understood everything I endured. She never doubted I was a good mother. She knew I wanted to show them more, give them more, be more. So why was I afraid of what others would think? I’ve always said, “I don’t care what people think I’m going to be Michele at all costs.”

But deep down, I was scared. Terrified. I’d never been on my own. I went from my dad’s house to marriage at 18. I feared failure. I feared introducing my kids to a “wicked stepmother.” (We all know they exist.)

But one day, I prayed. I placed it all in God’s hands. And I believe every step I take now is for the betterment of me and my children. As long as we cling to guilt and fear, the pain stays alive. We have to face the things we fear most our truth, our guilt, our wounds. Because if we don’t… we’re living in denial. And without inner peace, we can't truly love ourselves, love others, or build healthy relationships.

We need to think about how we think. We need to rewire our minds and unlearn what no longer serves us. When someone attacks us partner, parent, friend, or foe we have to remember: hurt people hurt people. They are living in fear, and we can feel compassion… from a distance. One of the deepest wounds I carried was the constant correction the way I was told I was always wrong. Always too much. Always “not enough.” And over time, I walked with my head down.

But now? Never again. ---  

Taylor Swift – “Mean” (Lyrics)

You, with your words like knivesAnd swords and weapons that you use against meYou, have knocked me off my feet again,Got me feeling like a nothingYou, with your voice like nailsOn a chalk board, calling me out when I'm woundedYou, picking on the weaker manYou can take me downWith just one single blowBut you don't know what you don't knowSomeday I'll be living in a big old cityAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanSomeday I'll be big enough so you can't hit meAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanWhy you gotta be so mean?You, with your switching sidesAnd your wildfire lies and your humiliationYou have pointed out my flaws againAs if I don't already see themI walk with my head down,Try to block you out 'cause I never impress youI just want to feel okay againI bet you got pushed aroundSomebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now'Cause you can't lead me down that roadAnd you don't know what you don't knowSomeday I'll be living in a big old cityAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanSomeday I'll be big enough so you can't hit meAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanWhy you gotta be so mean?And I can see you years from now in a barTalking over a football gameWith that same big loud opinionBut nobody's listening, washed up and rantingAbout the same old bitter thingsDrunk and rumbling on about how I can't singBut all you are is meanAll you are is mean and a liar and patheticAnd alone in life and mean, and mean, and mean, and meanBut someday I'll be living in a big old cityAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanYeah someday I'll be big enoughSo you can't hit meAnd all you're ever gonna be is meanWhy you gotta be so (mean)Someday I'll be living in a big old city(Why you gotta be so mean)And all you're ever gonna be is mean(Why you gotta be so mean)Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me(Why you gotta be so mean)And all you're ever gonna be is meanWhy you gotta be so mean?t)

“You, with your words like knives…

But someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me. And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.” Yes, the lyrics speak truth. But even as I resonate with them, I remind myself: he’s not a villain he’s a human. A flawed, wounded human. That doesn’t make him less, but it also doesn’t mean I need to stay.

By age three, most of a person’s personality is formed. Change is possible but only with great effort and intention. Most people stay exactly as they are unless they want to change. So the real question becomes:

Can you love someone as they are?

And if not are you brave enough to let go? Because if you can't accept someone’s truth, you must love yourself enough to walk away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYa1eI1hpDE