Couch Chronicles: Where Faith Slept and Hope Woke Up

Yesterday I Cried, Today I Focus and Find Every Reason to Smile originally written on January 8, 2017

Have you ever been knocked down so unexpectedly that it felt like your soul was sucker-punched? One moment, you’re surviving maybe even thriving and the next, you’re flat on your face, stripped of your dignity, wondering how the storm rolled in so fast. They always say, “Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.” I get it now.

Toward the end of last year, after one emotional blow after another, I whispered a simple prayer to God: “Teach me humility.” I thought I knew what that meant. I considered myself faithful. I gave, I loved, I praised. But when I asked to be humbled, I didn’t expect God to take me all the way to my knees.

The end of the year brought a tide I could no longer fight illness in our family, unexpected life changes, emotional collapse. We tried to stay afloat, but the waves kept coming. Until finally, we stopped flailing. We surrendered.

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” – Eckhart Tolle

Letting go isn’t giving up. Letting go is recognizing that your body, your spirit, and your heart were never meant to swim in stormwaters alone. It’s stepping back from a losing battle so the real rebuilding can begin. You don’t pour concrete while the earth is still shaking. You wait for the tremors to pass.

And that’s where I am today. Yesterday I cried. Today, I breathe. I center. I focus. I seek joy in the cracks where the light still dares to shine.

See, I’ve never allowed myself to become bitter. Even when life gave me every excuse. I was dealt a hard hand leaving home at seventeen, enduring unspeakable trauma, navigating pregnancy, loss, betrayal, abandonment, and watching other families grow in ways mine never could. I’ve been broken. I’ve been erased.

But I’ve also lived. I’ve soared. I’ve danced in abundance. I’ve had times when I could give freely, help others, live comfortably, and love deeply. I’ve found wisdom, and with that wisdom came compassion a soft heart guarded by a fierce fire.

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung

Still, none of that success was linear. I’ve built castles and watched them crumble. I’ve stood at the top and fallen face-first back to rock bottom. Again and again. And each time, I get back up slower, yes, but more deliberate. Stronger. Clearer.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids. When I left my nearly 20-year marriage, it wasn’t for a man or a dream. It was for my babies and for peace. I lived out of a van in winter. I parked at Fast Eddie’s not because I went inside, but because no one would question me being there till 2 or 3 AM. Then I’d circle back, waiting until their father went to work, so I could get to them back inside their home safely. I was tired. I was scared. But I was mama, and mama don’t fold.

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.” – Cardinal Mermillod

Pride? That was out the window. My dignity? Stripped, yes. But my love for my children? Untouched. Fierce. Unwavering. They are my “why.” Always.

And now, once again, I find myself displaced. I’m safe my kids and I are safe but we are couch-hopping, leaning on the grace of my 80+ year-old grandparents. And though it is humbling and uncomfortable, I am determined. People say they’ll be there when you fall. They swear their love is unconditional. But you quickly learn most love comes with fine print. They love you… as long as it’s convenient. As long as it doesn’t stretch them. As long as it doesn’t cost them anything.

But not my grandmother. Not her.

She doesn’t just throw me a life jacket. She dives in. With her love, her wisdom, her faith. She doesn’t offer rescue she offers presence. That kind of love is rare. That kind of love saves.

“Some souls just understand each other upon meeting.” – N. R. Hart

So today, I wake up in borrowed space with heavy thoughts, but I focus on what I do have. A sacred roof. A warm hand. A soul that says, “You are not alone.” And that is everything.

I am wealthy in love. I am rich in resilience. I am overflowing with understanding. And God, if you're listening send me some opportunity to match this faith. 😉

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Yesterday, I cried.

Today, I smile.

And every day after, I will rise stripped of pride, but never of purpose.